


In plain sight

by Katbelle



Series: A Series of Unfortunate Misunderstandings [2]
Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cosette is absolutely done with everything, Crack, F/F, F/M, Her friends are perverts, Her parents are perverts, It all goes to Hell, It's the plot device you see, M/M, Éponine and Grantaire make a porno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 07:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katbelle/pseuds/Katbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thr Universe is determined to turn Cosette's life into hell. Someone is so far in the closet that they found Narnia. Éponine and Grantaire make a porno. The prom is a lie and Cosette's Papa tries out for the role of the King of the Nile. Spoiler: he fails.</p><p>This one has it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In plain sight

**Author's Note:**

> Written for prompt #54 at the Valvert Gift Exchange.

**In Plain Sight**

Even months after it happens, Cosette is still a bit fuzzy on the details. What she knows for sure is that the Universe apparently hates her and her friends are the most horrible people in the entire galaxy. And that everything went to hell on a Wednesday.

***

It’s a wonderful and utterly ordinary Wednesday, the kind that is mind-numbingly boring in its ordinariness. The traffic was hell in the morning, when she was on her way to school. There was an unexpected history test, just like every first Wednesday of a month — Cosette will never understand how Madame Lupine could think that no one cottoned on to her schedule — Courfeyrac made the maths teacher swoon (twice) and Enjolras said something moderately preachy (just once, but he was ready for another go when Éponine started making out with Grantaire _very_ loudly, thus effectively shutting him up). Then, after school, Grantaire took her and Cosette back to Cosette’s, where they were going to discuss the prom plans. Cosette was the only person on the prom committee that look vaguely trustworthy and therefore was tasked with the grand mission of bringing the booze in. After all, what teacher would question the decisions of the sweet blond Mademoiselle Convent Schooled?

So, nothing unusual happened all day at school. Nothing unusual happened after school either. Grantaire hopped onto the couch in the Fauchelevents’ living room and buried his nose in his iPad while Éponine walked over to a shelf opposite the couch to admire some family photos. They were all taken on a holiday two years prior and included a beach and Cosette’s Papa in swimwear so it was not surprising at all. Three months since Cosette ran away from her own house party in her own house and her friends were as perverted as back then. It seemed she must have developed a stronger resistance to that crazy. 

"I’ve brought popcorn," she says when she comes back from the kitchen. Grantaire hums something without looking up from the tablet. Éponine quickly puts down a frame she’s been holding and flashes Cosette a bright smile. 

"That’s wonderful," she says. Steps closer to the sofa and kicks Grantaire’s legs. "It’s wonderful, right?" 

"Totally," Grantaire agrees. Looks up and looks at Éponine, then at Cosette and smiles. It’s nothing out of the ordinary and yet Cosette has a very, very bad feeling. 

*** 

Nothing happens for the next month. Life goes on as usual, Enjolras is his self-righteous self, Courfeyrac decides that it’s high time to find a new girl-of-the-month, Éponine occasionally hints that if Monsieur Fauchelevent is feeling lonely she’s more than willing — completely forgetting about the fact that she’s in a loving, committed relationship and that her girlfriend might not like it in the slightest. Or she actually might like it _a lot_ , considering her heritage and DNA, and that thought freaks Cosette out more than what Éponine actually says. 

Papa takes to working late but it’s not a surprise, summer’s coming and his business — whatever that is, in fact — gets hectic around that time. Sure, April is a bit early, but hey, it’s not like Cosette has any reason not to believe her dad. He has no reason to lie to her. And if he is lying to her, they both know a man who would be more than willing to prove it and then flaunt the evidence in Papa’s face. 

(Some days Cosette thinks Javert might be getting off on that. That thought should be creepy but it’s somehow really not.) 

The days Papa is working late, Cosette usually ends up visiting her friends, often staying the night. By some miracle Papa has managed to get past his paranoia and fully embraced Cosette’s band of misfit lycée friends, crazy, perverted and all. It seems that he’d rather have Cosette spend the night at someone else’s house but with adult supervision than at their house and all alone. Well then. Fine. Éponine’s house is, of course, out of the question — what with Éponine’s dad being a lousy pick-pocket and her mother just all kinds of shady — but Papa seems to think Madame Enjolras or Monsieur and Madame Courfeyrac respectable and responsible adults. Cosette has no heart to tell him that Madame Enjolras is so busy with her medical career that she’s never ever home, thus leaving her son and his friends to their own devices and the family wine cabinet, or that Monsieur Courfeyrac is actually some guy called Montparnasse and Madame Courfeyrac is a lovely person, but barely a few years older than Cosette. 

He’ll find out one day, but it won’t be this day, Cosette reasons every time she cheerfully tells her dad that she’ll be spending the night out. 

*** 

It’s also not the day when Courfeyrac’s step-parents decide to go to Switzerland for the weekend and Courfeyrac so graciously decides to throw a party under the pretense of discussing vital prom plans. Cosette is on the planning committee so she has to come, of course; Grantaire and Éponine aren’t but no one needs to know that. It’s the same as with the drama club. To this day Papa is convinced Cosette is a part of it and attends rehearsals every Thursday — what he doesn’t know is that those Thursdays she spends drinking milkshakes with Éponine and minding her three idiot brothers, all while gossiping fashion, Éponine’s girlfriend and that cute Pontmercy boy Cosette had to leave in Paris. 

(Éponine suggested Facebook stalking and Cosette is tempted by the idea. The boywas very cute.) 

"It’s an emergency prom planning committee meeting," Cosette says to Papa as they’re making dinner. "I have to be there, as the vice-president of it." 

"But it’s our date night!" 

Cosette rolls her eyes. Ever since she was ten, they’ve been having a pizza and movie Saturday twice a month. It was all sweet and lovely but she was getting too old for that. 

"But I _need_ to be there,” she argues. “The headmaster banned Enjolras’ Great Revolution theme due to some reasons he didn’t explain and we need to find something new, as soon as possible. We need to meet!” 

It’s not, strictly speaking, untrue. The headmaster did ban Enjolras’ theme when he got the first financial draft for the money they’d need for decorations. Apparently reconstructing Versailles in the gym was a bit beyond the school’s financial capabilities. 

"I know, I know," Papa waves a hand. "I know it’s important, we’ll have a rain check on the date. I’ll drive you." 

"No need." Cosette tastes the salad, grimaces and adds more pepper. Papa has some sort of vendetta against spices. Can’t cook to save his life. If it weren’t for Javert and takeouts, they’d starve a long time ago. "Grantaire is picking me up." 

"Grantaire?" Papa puts down a wooden spoon and stares at Cosette. "You’re telling me that Grantaire is a member of the prom planning committee?" 

Oh, crap. There wasn’t a person in the world who could give any less fucks about the prom than Grantaire and everyone, Papa included, knew that. Crap, shit, fuck. How to backpedal from that? 

"No, he’s not," Cosette says as she schools her features into a perfectly innocent mask that she knows she can nail. It’s one of these moments when Cosette is infinitely grateful for the way Papa and Javert handled this co-parenting thing over the years. Having to lie your way out under a cop’s nose is the best training possible. "But his sister is." 

"His sister." 

"Uh-huh," Cosette nods. "Laura. Grantaire’s driving her too. Laura is a student at uni, but she works part-time in a catering company and they’re going to—cater for us?" 

She finished it quite lamely, that’s true, but she couldn’t string a coherent sentence under those sad puppy eyes of her dad’s. Papa looks at her dubiously now and it’s obvious that he’s not buying this, but at the same time he doesn’t think she’d have a reason to lie to him so he does believe her, and holy shit, she’s such an awful daughter and an overall horrible human being. 

When Grantaire finally drives her to casa chez Courfeyrac, Cosette — in a fit of dark despair — claims the first shots of quality Russian vodka that Courfeyrac’s step-dad keeps stashed for bad times. 

*** 

They get smashed as the evening progresses because drinking Enjolras’ mother’s wine is one thing and the kill-you-while-you-stand Russian vodka is quite another, even if you mix it with orange juice and hectoliters of cola. They don’t get ‘round discussing the prom, of course, instead ending up playing some crazy truth or dare/spin the bottle combo in which the ‘dare’ part was substituted for ‘truth torture’ simply because that was Courfeyrac and he liked it when others overshared. It was a ‘too much information’ night and Cosette was thankful for the hangover that would doubtlessly appear in the morning, hopefully with a giant memory gap. She did not need to know that Courfeyrac once had a threesome or that Éponine thought incest was hot. The list of disturbing things Éponine thought hot was about a mile long at this point and started with ‘Cosette’s father’. 

"What is the craziest and most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?" Courfeyrac asks Grantaire. Grantaire stops drinking and looks over at Éponine, together they start giggling. 

"A porno," Grantaire answers. 

"What?" Enjolras sounds disturbed. Poor delusional and repressed Enjolras. 

"A porno," Grantair repeats, still giggling. "Éponine and I have made a porno." 

"Ha!" Courfeyrac exclaims triumphantly. "I _knew_ there had to be a sex tape from the time you two were dating. Pay up, Enjolras.” 

Enjolras does not pay up; he continues staring at Grantaire as if the guy had personally affronted him. 

"We’re not on the tape, dumbass," Éponine says. 

Courfeyrac’s face falls. “Then who is?” He brightens up immediately. “You and Laura?” Éponine shakes her head. “Dear God, Grantaire and Laura? Or maybe—” 

"It’s Cosette’s dad," Grantaire cuts him off in the middle of a sentence. Courfeyrac stares at him, then looks at Cosette, and starts laughing. Cosette does too because this shit’s too surreal. 

Grantaire pouts a bit. He never does that, ever. “I’m not joking!” 

Cosette stops laughing. “Bullshit,” she calls. 

"Honest to God truth," Grantaire counters. "We filmed it accidentally via that camera we’ve left in your living room." 

What. 

“ _What_?” 

"A tiny camera, you know, the kind you get in a spy pen in a My First Spy Kit toyset?" Éponine explains. She grins. "Gavroche got one for birthday, it’s pretty cool." 

"Hold up." Cosette puts up a hand. "Let’s backtrack to you saying that you’ve put a camera _in my living room_. Let’s ignore the fact that it’s disturbing and violating and possibly illegal, for what purpose did you do it exactly?” 

"Your dad’s still hot," Éponine says. 

"We wanted to film your dad working out or some shit like that. It was supposed to be a joke." Grantaire, at least, has the decency to look slightly embarrassed. No such luck with Éponine. "The part where your dad bangs some other dude was completely accidental." 

"Accidental my ass," murmurs Enjolras but it goes largely unnoticed. 

"Completely accidental," Éponine backs Grantaire up, "but insanely hot. We’re going to break the internet with it once we put it online, you know?"  
"No one is uploading any recordings in which my father has sex," Cosette forces out through gritted teeth. She’s way too sober for this still, and where exactly did her life go wrong to make _this_ a thing she says during friendly parties? 

"Fine, whatever, your loss of potential profit." 

Courfeyrac takes one good, long look at Cosette before jumping on Grantaire and no doubt demanding to see the recording. Enjolras seems undecided between being relieved, shocked and interested. Éponine just taps her chin, deep in thought. 

"The best thing is that I keep thinking that I know that guy from somewhere," she says, sounding truly philosophical. 

"What guy?" Cosette asks before realizing that it’s a dumb question as there’s only one guy that Éponine might be talking about, in these circumstances. "You know what, forget I—" 

"The one your dad’s banging on the living room floor." 

"—asked." 

She sighs. She takes her shots glass and wiggles it hopelessly until Courfeyrac takes pity on her and fills it up, again and again. 

*** 

"Oh, brighten up!" Éponine grunts in the morning when the hangover is hell but the memory gap is sadly non-existent. 

"I meant what I said yesterday," Cosette says and Éponine’s face scrunches as she tries to remember what exactly Cosette said the night before. 

Cosette rubs her face tiredly. Éponine is crazy, and not always in the nice, cute, fluffy way; sometimes she’s downright scary and has no regard for other people’s feelings or boundaries or other people’s anything, really. Cosette puts up with it 99% of the time because 99% of the time Éponine is a great friend to have, but there are times—there are moments, like this—when she wonders if she should not reconsider their besties status and privileges. 

"About this—thing that you did being violating and disturbing. It is. It is a violation of my constitutionally guaranteed right to privacy." 

"Oh, don’t be overdramatic." 

"Overdramatic?! You put up a _camera_ in my _house_! You know, I sort of got used to you coming over and practically salivating on my couch. I try to think of it as I would of you salivating on that old Harrison Ford poster you’ve got in your locker at school: weird, as I can’t think of the object of your lustful attentions in any sexual way, but kind of cute. But this? This was _way_ over the line.” 

"I’m sorry, okay?" 

"I could call the police," Cosette says and both hopes and fears that it came off as a threat. She could call the police. She could call Javert and he’d be here in an instant and he’d go all Spanish Inquisition on Éponine and Grantaire. 

"Will you?" Éponine asks. 

Cosette shrugs. “I should.” 

"But _will you_?” 

Cosette stands up. “I’m going home,” she announces loudly. 

"I’m too drunk to drive you," Grantaire half-moans from somewhere on the floor. 

"It’s fine, I’ll get a cab." 

She gets a cab and goes to Javert’s. He’s not home when she arrives and she sits on the stairs of his apartment building for an hour before he finally comes back. He almost trips when he notices her on his doorstep. 

"Bad day and bad night, don’t ask," she says and he doesn’t ask. He lets her in and lets her sit and brood at his kitchen table. Cosette guilt trips him into first making her tortellini and then giving her a lift home. Papa she tells that Grantaire had something important to do and left the party early so she called Javert and he picked her up from Courfeyrac’s. Papa doesn’t grill her about a bad day and a bad night so she assumes Javert didn’t tell him anything either. 

*** 

A week later there’s an envelope in her locker, containing a tousled sheet of paper full of Éponine’s barely readable handwriting, a Hello Kitty flash drive and a pen. Ignoring the pink atrocity — though suspecting what’s on it — Cosette goes for the letter. 

_'Ette_ , it says, _I’ve thought about what you said and I talked with my Ma about it. She called me_ (unreadable) _and said it was dumb of me to tell you the truth. I’ve realized it was an unforgiveable thing to do though I’m hoping you didn’t get that memo and will eventually forgive me, as you always do because you’re amazing and utterly stupid. I’m giving you back the video (I confiscated Grantaire’s copy too) and I’m also giving you the spy pen. It’ll be safer with you and it won’t tempt me. If Gavroche ever asks, it was lost in action when we tried to apprehend a serial killer._

Cosette smiles to herself before noticing a postscriptum. _P.S. We won’t be coming over to ‘perv over’ your dad anymore. As Roland Barthes once said, the most erotic portion of a body is where the garment gapes. Now that we’ve seen it all it’s not so appealing anymore._

"So," Éponine says when Cosette finishes reading and folds the letter. She’s leaning against the locker next to Cosette’s with an apprehensive expression, unsure if approaching Cosette after a week of radio silence is a good idea. "Still best friends?" 

"Always," Cosette sighs, "regrettably." 

Éponine grins like a loon. “Wanna skip P.E. and get milkshakes?” 

And because Éponine is crazy and not always in the nice, cute, fluffy way, but _usually_ , and because Cosette probably is awesome and utterly stupid, she says yes. “Sure.” She looks at the folded letter. “Roland Barthes?” 

"What, I _can_ read, you know.” 

They skip P.E. Later Cosette will have to face her Papa’s patented ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’ look and will cower in shame in her room for the next day, but for now she’s enjoying strawberry-banana milkshakes, has a compromising video safely tucked in an envelope in her bag (and she’s never ever touching that flash drive ever, lest she gets infected or something, she’ll exorcise it, salt it and burn it) and she’s coming home early, deciding not to attend the latest planning committee meeting. Everything is good. 

*** 

That is, until she actually gets home. 

*** 

Then everything is absolutely and definitely _not_ good because the Universe hates her for some reason, and she’s not sure why as she’s sure as hell that all the minor lying does not warrant this kind of shit being thrown her way. 

*** 

There are several things she’s never wanted to think about and that’s ‘dad’ and ‘sex’ in one sentence. Thanks to Éponine and Grantaire she had to, but it was all just a faraway speculation. 

There are also several things she’s never wanted to see and that’s just how deep the interpersonal relations between her dad and Javert could get, _on their couch_ , Jesus Christ. 

*** 

"Before you start being disappointed with me let me tell you—HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, MY EYES, I’m out of here, I was never here, crap shit fuck, brain bleach, BRAIN BLEACH." 

JESUS. 

She is scarred for life. 

*** 

Thanks, Universe. 

*** 

It takes them less than five minutes to get dressed and get into the kitchen, where Cosette is sitting by the Fauchelevents’ round table, staring blankly off into a wall in front of her. Her father looks like he desperately wishes that those bad guys they’re sort of hiding from would appear in the kitchen _now_ and just put him out of his misery. Javert looks moderately sheepish. He and Éponine are made for each other, both shameless creeps, only Javert actually _got_ to bang— 

"I need a gun," Cosette states and makes a gun with her hand. She presses the forefinger to her temple. "Bullet, brain, NOW." 

"Cosette—" Papa starts saying and then goes quiet when Cosette looks at him. She must appear quite terrifying because he never stops talking just because she looked at him. 

"What the hell?" she asks, sounding perhaps harsher than necessary. Papa flinches slightly. "You—you two—that’s our _couch_ , I _sit there_ , I have my _friends_ sitting there! Jesus, we have to burn it and buy a new one! Maybe we should even burn the house!” 

"I’ll buy a new one," Papa offers. He probably means the couch. 

Cosette crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in the chair. “How long have you been sleeping together?” 

Papa and Javert exchange a quick look and Papa sighs. “It’s—the first time. Just this once.” 

"Really," Cosette says dubiously. Javert stares at her, she stares back. He’s the first to drop his gaze and she smirks. She’ll regret saying this forever but she has to. They’re lying and they’re not even trying very hard. "Because I happen to have a video that proves you’re lying. Either that or you’re in the habit of banging someone new every week," she directs at her father. Granted, she’s not sure when that video was really recorded but let him squirm. It’s the least she can get in recompense for the mental scarring she’s just suffered. 

"What?" 

"It doesn’t matter how or why I got it, it’s enough that I did. So. How long have you been sleeping together?" 

"Almost two years," Javert says before Papa manages to come up with some placating, untrue answer. 

Cosette almost falls out of her chair. “You mean since Paris?” 

"Yes," Javert replies while Papa says ‘sort of’. 

"Why didn’t you tell me? At all?" 

“ _He_ ,” Javert glares at Papa with fond distaste, and Cosette immediately knows she’s not the only one not liking this in the least “didn’t know how you’d react.” 

Bullshit. “How _I_ would react?” Bullshit levels extreme. Bullshit squared. 

"You—well, you went to an all-girls convent school," Papa says slowly. 

"Statistically most likely to have lesbians, you know." 

Papa gestures his hand awkwardly. “I just wasn’t sure—I didn’t want you to—be uncomfortable.” 

"About you being gay?" He nods, looking helpless. God, he’s an idiot. "Dad, I know you’re gay. I’ve known for years. I’ve known since I was thirteen and I made you sit through a _High School Musical_ marathon with me and at the end of it you said that Zac Efron was cute. That was pretty telling.” 

Javert looks at her in something akin to horror. _He didn’t_ Cosette smiles apologetically. _He totally did_. 

“ _Not to mention_ ,” she says and stresses the words when she notices Papa trying to interrupt her, doubtlessly with something even more ridiculously self-sacrificing and completely off-the-point, “this is the twenty-first century. I worry about my future student loans and carbon dioxide and polar bears dying and whether or not you’ll get me a Vespa for birthday. Not about whom you’re sleeping with. Or aren’t, for that matter.” 

"New school—your friends—" Papa murmurs. His voice is getting lower and lower which is a clear sign that he finally wrapped his head around how ridiculous he was being. 

"I’m sorry, but have you even _met_ my friends? Courfeyrac is going to hook up with anything that’s willing enough, probably including poodles.” The corner of Javert’s lips twitches. “Grantaire has a hopeless crush on Enjolras. Enjolras is so repressed and oblivious that he’s an honourary King of Narnia by now. Éponine used to date Grantaire but she dumped him because he was too high-maintenance and now she’s dating his sister. Do you really think that any of my friends cares about you being gay? _Please_." She drums her fingers on the table. "Additionally, this is high school. We’ll all have dated one another by the time we graduate." 

"But—what?" 

Javert starts slow-clapping. “And here we have witnessed a wonderful subversion courtesy of the Bullshit Police,” he says and he’s not even being sarcastic. Papa glares at him and then glares at Cosette, outnumbered, and when he’s not looking, Javert gives Cosette thumbs up. 

*** 

"You’re my parents," Cosette says a while later, "didn’t it ever occur to you two that I might be the one person most ecstatic about the fact that you hooked up?" 

It didn’t. 

*** 

"How did that happen?" Cosette asks while in reality she wants to know how on Earth they managed to keep it a secret for almost two years. Papa cannot be trusted with not spoiling a Christmas or birthday surprise, he’s usually so eager to just share his joy with everyone. This, this must be some serious business. 

And if they’ve been going at it for almost two years it means that Cosette hasn’t noticed anything that was happening right under her nose for almost two years. She’s officially an embarrassment to the extended police force. 

"Organically," Javert deadpans. 

Papa clears his throat. “By which he means that he’s been madly in love with me since he first saw me, dripping wet, when we first met.” 

"I punched you when we first met." 

"But you first met when Javert got our case," Cosette points out. She remembers that day, kind of. It was rainy and the office they sat in smelled of cigarettes and bad coffee. 

"That’s not precisely true," Papa answers. Looks over at Javert. "We’ve known each other before that." 

"How?" 

"Your father saved my life," Javert answers, in the most bored tone he can manage. Cosette is sure her jaw is hanging half open, as if she were a half-dead fish, and she gapes. "I was in a particularly bad place then and he pulled a Charles, _First Class_ style.” 

It’s Javert who educates Cosette in the mysterious ways of popculture. It’s Javert who goes to the cinema with her, brings her books Papa would have thrown away if he knew about them, slips a DVD with some show or other whenever she visits. This language of trope names and popculture references they’re speaking with each other? Yeah, way over Papa’s head. Cosette gets what Javert’s saying, Papa doesn’t. 

"I don’t understand," Papa compains to Javert. Javert snorts.

“ _Good_.” 

*** 

There is, of course, more to that story than just drowning and one day Cosette will ask for details. For now she thinks that they all had too much sharing time; perhaps in a month or two, she’ll attack them when they least expect it. 

She proposes they make dinner. Papa says they should get takeout, which is weird, considering that Javert’s here and he can actually cook. That raises some suspicions. Oh, OH GOD. 

"Please tell me that the kitchen table is safe," she moans. She ate breakfast there this morning. She was going to eat breakfast there tomorrow. 

"Yes," Javert says while Papa replies ‘no’. They look at each other. 

"Mostly," says Papa and at the same time Javert murmurs ‘not really’. 

Cosette decides to add a table to their shopping list. Then she grabs a phone. Fuck this, they’re getting sushi. 

*** 

In the evening, Éponine texts her. 

'Pony: _i rememberd how i kno that guy, hes police, he was there when I pickd up azelma after she got arrestd 4 shoplifting_

Cosette laughs. Oh, Éponine, if only you knew the truth. 

'Pony: _your welcome btw :]_

Cosette giggles herself to sleep.

*** 

Oh, Cosette, if only you knew the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> And now, the end notes.  
> \- Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely on purpose. I mean that. The 'hidden camera taking accidental porn pictures'? Totally happened, swear to god.  
> \- dating a poodle is, of course, a reference to John Hart of Torchwood fame. In 2x01 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang' he notices something extraordinaly beautiful on a street to which Gwen Cooper tells him it's a poodle  
> \- salting and burning is a way to get rid of ghosts, Supernatural-style  
> \- pulling 'a Charles' is a reference to X-Men First Class, in which one Erik Lehnsherr was going to drown and Charles Xavier heroically jumped into the water and saved his life. You can all guess how Valjean and Javert's first meeting went  
> \- the line about finding Narnia was coined by the wonderful **Soltian**


End file.
